Last night I had a dream about hugging. It was me and like 3 other people and we were all fully dressed and everything but for some reason it took place in my bathtub and we were just hugging tightly and it was all very comforting.
I want to cry.
I want to pick a fight.
I want to mouth off at someone.
I want to crawl in my bed and sleep for a few days.
I want to be happy, but nothing makes me happy. And then for a while I’ll be happy about nothing and then I get mad again and I get so mad I start crying and then the next person who talks to me gets to hear about how upset I am.
And no one seems to get it. Like, its a breakup. Most people go through this eventually, unless you are some kind of monster robot who’s never let your guard down and let someone in and pinned all kinds of hopes and dreams on them only to realize that you’ve fooled yourself and it all falls apart into a massive disappointment…
Is it because I’m the one who left? Is that why I don’t have the right to feel like I’m dying and losing my mind? Like I’m completely, hopelessly lost? Because I’m still alone with myself for the first time in my life. I still lost 7 years trying to make something work only to wake up at 26 and watch it all shatter. My heart broke too, when I realized that I’d failed. And I had to be the one to look this boy with the beautiful almond eyes in the face and tell him that I didn’t love him anymore. And he took it so calmly. I didn’t have the heart to make him leave, so he stayed with me while he found a new home and every time I saw him asleep on the couch my heart broke again. And it went on for so long..
And now I’m here, alone at last in my empty house, everything I ever wanted, and I’m a quivering ball of desperate misery and rage and loneliness and spite and I want to bare my claws and drive everyone away because they all seem so selfish and ignorant and cruel.
And everyone who was ever truly my friend is hours away in another town, or another state, drifted away while I was wrapped up in his world and his friends and what I am left with are coworkers, and boys who have suddenly come out of the woodwork and want me to “come over” and “hang out” and it makes me feel sick because I don’t feel like playing that game now,
And at the end of the day, I have to wake up and put on a happy face and go to work and smile at the coworkers and pretend I’m not an unpredictable tempest in my heart, because I don’t have a a right to these feelings. I dumped a boyfriend. Big whoop. I must be happy. I must be glad. Single and ready to mingle, haha!
I… don’t know what to do.
sometimes you find yourself in a dark place an no one can possibly understand and you wouldn’t even have the energy to explain if they asked and the only thing keeping you from just completely self-destructing is the fact that you have to work tomorrow and if you don’t show up, your team would be in deep shit.
It’s the little things.
that I can’t handle what’s coming next. Sometimes I feel like my life is getting away from me and I can’t back up the choices I’ve made mentally or financially and I am so uncomfortable and nervous that it makes it hard to think and then my worries become realities.
Typewriter Series #60