I want to cry.
I want to pick a fight.
I want to mouth off at someone.
I want to crawl in my bed and sleep for a few days.
I want to be happy, but nothing makes me happy. And then for a while I’ll be happy about nothing and then I get mad again and I get so mad I start crying and then the next person who talks to me gets to hear about how upset I am.
And no one seems to get it. Like, its a breakup. Most people go through this eventually, unless you are some kind of monster robot who’s never let your guard down and let someone in and pinned all kinds of hopes and dreams on them only to realize that you’ve fooled yourself and it all falls apart into a massive disappointment…
Is it because I’m the one who left? Is that why I don’t have the right to feel like I’m dying and losing my mind? Like I’m completely, hopelessly lost? Because I’m still alone with myself for the first time in my life. I still lost 7 years trying to make something work only to wake up at 26 and watch it all shatter. My heart broke too, when I realized that I’d failed. And I had to be the one to look this boy with the beautiful almond eyes in the face and tell him that I didn’t love him anymore. And he took it so calmly. I didn’t have the heart to make him leave, so he stayed with me while he found a new home and every time I saw him asleep on the couch my heart broke again. And it went on for so long..
And now I’m here, alone at last in my empty house, everything I ever wanted, and I’m a quivering ball of desperate misery and rage and loneliness and spite and I want to bare my claws and drive everyone away because they all seem so selfish and ignorant and cruel.
And everyone who was ever truly my friend is hours away in another town, or another state, drifted away while I was wrapped up in his world and his friends and what I am left with are coworkers, and boys who have suddenly come out of the woodwork and want me to “come over” and “hang out” and it makes me feel sick because I don’t feel like playing that game now,
And at the end of the day, I have to wake up and put on a happy face and go to work and smile at the coworkers and pretend I’m not an unpredictable tempest in my heart, because I don’t have a a right to these feelings. I dumped a boyfriend. Big whoop. I must be happy. I must be glad. Single and ready to mingle, haha!
I… don’t know what to do.